A big ode to whomever first stumbled upon this realization. Unfortunately, for me to wrap my mind around this truth, it took several ruined relationships (ones which I found faulty) and a single relationship which was found unsatisfactory for my partner. I'm not even sure that I can quite grasp the concept of victory. Not until I am happily married and bearing children, at least. For now, however, I will sit and reflect on my short lived history and the implications it has on my future.
I am the youngest child of four (to my father) setting me to seek victory in all that I do. As a young girl, I always found a way to have my way. Because of this, I enjoy winning. Whether it be a simple game of cards or an argument over something as petty as naming exactly who left the toilet seat up, I must be right. It's my nature, but how acceptable is that?
As I grow older and mature, I find myself in romantic relationships where I seek a win. The way that I find this win is through capture and release. So far, I have been successful in my captures, and my releases. But as of one year ago, I have run into another who also like to capture and release. I was his capture and three months later, I was released. What a said fact this is. I have been devastated. Not only by the fact that I was "captured" but by the fact that I was released, without say. The more devastating aspect of this is that I was satisfied with my capture and had no desire to release. I did not want to let go. I did not care about winning. I cared about him.
It's terribly difficult, to acknowledge that the love has drifted away, that our lives diverged and that I must carry on with my life and my pursuits. Certainly, it is easy for me to verbally excuse myself from facing the situation, but I have realized that the only way to settle victoriously, is to acknowledge my defeat.
I've been defeated.
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